I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
