mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
