can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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