Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
