Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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