i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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