and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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