Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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