You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just found a bag of teeth...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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