cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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