Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
