I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
