i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
