Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
