Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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