i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
