There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
