just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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