I met the friendliest cop last night
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
