Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
