dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
