Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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