Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
