So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
