Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
