All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
