the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This is my gift to your gina
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
