I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
