someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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