we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
we're so committed to being not committed
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize