Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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