we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
