So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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