It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
