I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
