"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
