i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize