Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
