So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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