Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Just cropdusted the office
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
