I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
