Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
