Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
