What did we do last night that was yellow?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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