i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
