I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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