I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
