Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
