I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize