i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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