I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
