last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
