i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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