Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
