I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
