he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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