Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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