You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize