I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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