You're my little dorito
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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