the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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