hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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