The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
