girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
