i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
