Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize