My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
