i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Even my vagina gasped.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
